Every year, without fail, a certain ‘echelon’, shall we say, of society erects their Christmas trees, begins writing cards and completes their festive shopping far earlier than sensible.

This is now becoming a major issue. The ‘attack of the Christmas proles’ has started earlier this year – and we’ve got reason to believe it will continue to edge earlier and earlier every single year.

It starts, as many of you will have noticed, in the hunting and breeding ground of these creatures… The pound shops.

Poundland, Poundworld, PoundStretcher, Poundprettymuchanywordyoubloodywellwant… they all stock their Christmas ‘tack’ much earlier than anywhere else – much earlier than the North Pole itself, in fact.

Why do they do this? Well, I’ll tell you why… it’s so they can get them all in one place at the same time, take their dole and benefit money from them and, in return, provide them with a plastic Father Christmas holding a ‘Santa Stop Here’ sign.

Proles: "Santa Stop Here"... Santa: "No".

That’s just how stupid these people are… they actually think ‘Santa’ is going to stop at their house. We all know he’s far too busy for that.

My anger over this issue surfaced last week, when I was watching ‘Channel One’ (previously Virgin one) – before 11pm, of course – and noticed that on every ad break, they would have some company ‘proudly sponsoring Christmas entertainment on Channel One’. I was watching the bloody X-Files… hardly festive if you ask me… people died.

It’s October, and last week was earlier in October… so why on earth would anyone refer to Christmas then? I can understand sofa companies doing it, because they’ve always done it – even before the invention of Christmas in 1988, when I was born.

What really annoys me is when the empire of Pound shops stock their Christmas crap alongside their Halloween hash. The only reason I can think of why it annoys me so much is because it’s, as Father Jack would say, fecking October.

There is simply no need for it. It only encourages the proles to kit their homes (well, they’re technically our homes really… but we won’t go into that) out with stupid Santas pretending to climb the house and fall down… oh haha, bloody hilarious.

There’s one row of houses I pass on the way to work every morning who must use enough electricity powering their lights over Christmas to power Michelle McManus’ stair lift for a full week… and that, my friends, would need a lot of electricity. The houses I pass aren’t inhabited by working people, oh no… working people don’t have time for that, they are – that’s right – inhabited by chavvy proles. Surprise surprise.

On a side note, we could actually go as far as saying chavs cause global warming. Other than polluting the air with their cannabis and stella-tainted breath, over the five months of Christmas (it’s one month for us, we’re more on the ‘normal’ side…), they create so much light pollution it’s unreal.

Anyway, back on the ball… I hate it when people start celebrating Christmas in October. November, I can just about stomach – it gets easier with each day that passes. But October… we’re only just saying goodbye to the idea of summer.

Don’t get me wrong (I seem to say that in every article, just to ‘cover my back’!), I love seeing Christmas lights and people getting in the festive mood – it’s great to see that ‘communities’ still exist. But when I see these celebrations starting as early as they have done this year, I vomit uncontrollably.

Christmas, for me, begins on 1^st December every year. I don’t know about you, but I don’t tend to think about it too much until then. Whether that’s because I’m male… or just because I’m normal – I haven’t got the foggiest.

While I’m on the subject of proles doing things early… have you ever noticed they (along with normal ‘older folk’) cook (sorry, order) their tea hours before anyone else does? The entire council estates of Preston will have already finished their teas by the time I’ve eaten my first Heinz Baked Bean (yeah, that’s right, I eat them one by one…).

So, now you’ve read this, be on the lookout for people who’ve kitted their houses out with tacky reindeers and poorly-created Father Christmas models. Once you find them, kick them over – the decorations and the people, that is.

Actually, don’t… I think that’s illegal.

What you should do, however, is slowly shake your head in disapproval. Of course, if these decorations happen to be outside a ‘normal’ family’s home, just accept this as misguidance and let them be. The proles, however, deserve every slow shake of your head you can muster up.

Happy Holidays, as th’olde yanks would say.

Main image taken from: Metro .co.uk — In-content image taken from: tianyulighting.en. hisupplier. com