Halloween. The one day every year we all get to dress up as whatever the hell we want and get ragingly drunk. Well, that’s what I do.

Depending on your age, though, you may partake in ‘trick or treating’ or simply cower behind closed curtains with your lights off pretending no-one is home… shame on you (and you wonder why you get ‘tricked’ by barrages of eggs and flower every year!).

The annual holiday, known to our yankified cousins as Hallowe’en, falls on the 31^st October mainly in the UK, Canada and the USA. The cryptic celebration has its roots in the Celtic festival of Samhain and the Christian holiday of All Saints’ Day. Nowadays, however, no-one is really arsed about where it comes from… all we’re bothered about is scaring each other, cramming copious amounts of sweets down our necks and attending themed ‘social events’.

To me, Halloween has changed A LOT since I was younger. I used to love it, as I’m sure many kids do now. But now… although my lustful feelings towards the celebration remain, I kind of hate it.

As a kid, I used to love nothing more than donning my black bin liner and running around on the witches’ broom my parents bought me from spar, knocking only on the houses of people we know (namely close relatives and neighbours). I used to come home with a Morrison’s bag full of penguin bars, Blue Ribands and ‘double’ lollies.

As I grew older and spread my wings a bit (I don’t really have wings… that’s just a saying), I was allowed to knock on other people’s doors and cheekily ask for some of their food.

One year, in fact, I can remember going to one house near me, and they said “Ooh, we don’t believe in Halloween (cue their lecture on different types of Christianity), but you can have a kitkat anyway for coming round”.

So… that kind of defies what you’ve told me doesn’t it? You don’t want people coming round and asking for food in celebration of Halloween, yet you’ll happily provide them with a kitkat (probably laced with sedatives or something).

Just to make it clear – I completely respect people’s religious views. It’s their choice if they don’t want to celebrate Halloween. But come on, who else did you expect at the door at 7pm on 31^st October? Jesus?

Anyway, as I was saying, heading further out around the streets opened my eyes to what Halloween was really about.

I wasn’t being escorted by my parents anymore, I was walking free, dressed as some sort of monster… and it was then that I discovered what Halloween was actually about: Silly string, eggs, flour and lengthy sessions of ‘knock-a-door-run’. Of course, though… as a good child, I didn’t partake in this non-sense (honest).

But this is one of the reasons why I dislike the celebration. It gives chavs (of all ages) the chance to get out on the streets and cause utter havoc in their cliché ‘Scream’ mask we all know so well. Cars get covered in crap (not literally, because that’s just wrong), houses get sprayed with sticky/eggy flower and kids genuinely get scared – Halloween simply isn’t what it used to be.

It’s a bit of a shame really, chavs do ruin everything. As I said in an earlier post, they’re even responsible for global warming. I was on a night/weekend out in Leeds over Halloween getting horrifically drunk, and on several separate occasions I saw chavs either fighting with each other, or starting a fight with me (the latter happened in broad daylight on Saturday morning – these Yorkshire folk obviously don’t know t’difference between t’night and day).